Yesterday, I met a young woman whose only child died last year.
Through tears, she told me that those close to her want her to “just get over it already.”
If you are one who feels uncomfortable when in the presence of pain being experienced by another and so you tell them to buck up and move on, please know that in an emotionally healthy individual, the grieving process takes time. Lots and lots of time. What is lost, is lost forever. And mourning is never “over.”
The pain comes in waves, unexpectedly, profoundly. And sometimes, for years.
As for me and my own experience of grieving, most recently the loss of both of my parents, and within that context, the perceived permanent loss of any possible reconciliation with them, the process has been ongoing since I first realized they were both in the process of leaving their bodies, until this very day. It has been more than five years.
The pain has subsided. It is distant now and thoughts of my loss do not always cause me to dissolve into tears, but I do still mourn for them, for myself, and for this planet full of others mourning.
I continue to allow myself whatever form of process-release I need: wailing, talking out loud to the deceased (believing they “hear” and respond to me), furious dancing, receiving bodywork and energetic intervention, talking with a trusted friend, writing and making art.
I am clear on this point: relationships do not end when one “dies,” but they do become more difficult to navigate because the other now lives on another plane of existence, communicating in non-linear dream-time, thought waves and forms, scents, signs, nudges, and yes, even visions.
For me, writing and making art are the most significant way I move forward–toward the Light. The point is movement, not resistance to apparent darkness. Seeking new insight and understanding regarding what is lost and moving gently toward integration of the new understanding into my life-view and way of being in the world, in relationship, transmutes all negative energy into positive, allowing all experiences to be used for the Highest Good.
When I can truly assimilate and put into practice what I have learned from a relationship and from purposeful, deep reflection on its relational qualities and nuances, studying and accepting which is my part and which is the part of the other and how we became who we are (were) together, then the essence of the relationship is not lost but found because the essential life of it lives in me and, indeed, in all whose lives I touch.
This process work is a profoundly spiritual experience. My most recent series of art,” the surprising” and my full length book of poetry, what holds her (under submission) are both examples of living this process
Further, when this kind of profound interaction between the worlds takes place, each of us heals and can then, and only then, organically move forward with living our lives as they are now, resurrected in this new form, moving more freely within and between the realms and planes of existence toward Harmony and Love–the Highest Vibrational Frequency.