what she holds is my poetic memoir. It is a transformative work of writing as the healing process and for me the work of reconciliation. Here is the first poem:

uninvited

born

            my breath
            my body

(       uninvited      )
                             

into this:

she left you
in your crib

you know
when you were two

she went down the road
to see          that man

      ~

still
i wanted

           precious one
           cherished one

      ~

on mother’s day

this child
of eight

chose~

the flowers

[in the car
      you wait]

carnelian rose

—french 
provincial 

vase:

miniature
polyurethane

molded 

for life

     ~

later      you 
          hated 

your voice
my eyes

this vase
my mother

on the floor

      ~

still
i wanted

           pretty one
           strong one

      ~

when  i 
was twenty

there were parties
& men

—no more

           wanting

           numb girl
           fun girl

forgetting
      ~

forgetting

the day
i came home

—a woman

my breasts
my hips

full 

soft      under-belly

becoming

me      begging 

another man inside

my body

—mine

      ~

you’re getting fat
you say

your disgust
my condemnation:

—alchemical fire

i do not know this
      but we are 

making:

transformative soup

&  i     
have left you

for another

man

      ~

is this the day 

you turned
      away

—decided 

i        must be

like her

      ~

one woman told me:

when evening 
comes       her husband

ties           knots 

turquoise twine
has consumed
the yard

he       is building
a trellis

for a bean vine
—transparent

wine veins 

out of control

      ~

the plant        she says
has not produced

enough     for even
one small meal

yet      he 
will not 

cut it down

      ~

again     
i want      

again
i want

never mind
what good it is 
or 
whether it will last

i want

—what lives

i want turquoise

i want twine

I have removed the Moon Shadow Sanctuary Press version of the book from publication on Amazon’s KDP, as I have closed MSSP and am no longer in the hard-copy press business. Though there may be residual copies available online, I offer the manuscript here in its entirety for subscribers. It’s absolutely free.

Read what others have said about what she holds. Here are the back cover blurbs from the book:

Please be aware that what she holds contains what could be emotional triggers from some. I have tried to be sensitive yet honest and transparent. My prayer is that as readers engage with the work, especially women who have had difficult father-daughter relationships, will, in walking along my path with me, be themselves led to forgiveness and thus transformation and healing.